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I had a death in my family recently. This person and I weren’t particularly close. She had some issues that made it hard to be close to her. I prayed for her and those close to her every day and hoped that some day, we would be able to be on friendly terms. That some day has come and gone — at least on this plane.  I thought that I had dealt with my grief and was moving on, but I have realized instead that it is lurking in the shadows and darting out at unexpected times and in unwelcome ways to let me know it’s still there.

Grief is like that, when it hasn’t been fully dealt with. So this begs the question, “How do I know when it’s been fully dealt with?” I’ve lost a few people close to me in my life and every time was different. But one thing I have learned is that grief is a process. It is a force of nature. You can try to contain it. You can try to push it down into some manageable shape, but in the end, it takes the shape of whatever our relationship was like with the person who died. This can be very challenging to deal with, especially if our relationship with the deceased was not the happiest one.

So when the sadness or the anger or the guilt or the fill-in-the-blank-emotion comes up, I’ve learned to acknowledge it and to realize it’s coming from the pain of the loss. If I’ve inadvertently snapped at someone or if I’m feeling out of sorts, I need to take some time and ask, “If _______ (the person who died) were here, what would they suggest I do to feel better?” If there’s no simple answer to that, I just ask, “What would I like to do to feel better?”

I’ve come to the realization that I tend to push my feelings aside when they are painful or complicated. I get busy. I watch TV. I get on the Internet. It all fades to gray when I’m on autopilot. But I’m also realizing that this strategy isn’t especially effective over time because those complicated and painful feelings come out in other ways that are even more complicated and painful.

I’m thinking of a day at work recently where I was under pressure and I didn’t handle my interactions with people in a very patient way. If I had it to do over again, I would have taken a few minutes to get centered, recognized that I was grieving and (hopefully) continued my day with more clarity and compassion for myself and others.

So in this moment, I am recommitting to notice the painful emotions when they come up and to give them more space in my life. I am recommitting to making a space for the grief. This may take the form of writing the deceased a letter or a poem. It may take the form of some toning. Whatever feels good. But I will make a space for it in my life and in my day.

To go back to the original question, “How do I know when it’s been fully dealt with?,” there’s no set answer. But I do know that as I take care of myself, I will learn and grow more compassionate with myself and the pain will ease. I think one of the signs of moving on is being able to think of the person without pain, and realizing that I have gained the benefit of death: living my life more fully and generously.

That’s what I think. How about you?

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